The other night, on the verge of a panic attack, overly stressed about my busy life and college assignments, I went on an impulsive binge that I am still not regretting, five days later. I suppose its something I’ve been meaning to do for a while, but I just couldn’t let go…until now. I went on my social media, defriending and unfollowing at least a hundred people in total. The feeling afterwards was amazing. A large weight had been lifted off my heart and, suddenly, I felt like I could breathe. These people will eventually realize that I’ve removed them from my social media life and they will come to ask themselves why. Some of these people may not notice at all. I wanted to write a letter, though, to those who I removed from my daily life so that they can understand just why I did it. This post is also beneficial to anyone who is reading it: being friends with someone on social media does not mean that you’re actually friends, and it’s okay to let go.
I don’t know what we are anymore, but we’re not what we used to be. I dare say that we’re not even friends anymore–we’re definitely not in the Facebook-sense, at the least. I would like to begin by telling you that I’m fine, really, and thank you for not asking, or caring about me in the way that I cared about you.
I like to consider myself a sociable person. I’m vibrant, lively, easy to get along with and I easily make new friends. In the past couple of years, especially, I have made many connections that have had an impact on me professionally, personally and emotionally. Some of these connections evolved into friendships, relationships important to me. It has taken me long enough, but I have come to the conclusion that I do, in fact, let people into my heart rather easily and I, as a friend, want them to remain there forever.
When I become close to someone–spend an excessive amount of time with them, pour out my secrets, enjoy sleepovers, feel attached at the waist–I give them a piece of my heart, and I can only hope that they do the same.
In my experience, most do not.
Friendship may not mean to you what it means to me, but friendship–to me–represents support, love and communication.
Sure, I have a lot of friends–I have too many friends to count sometimes. It’s the few select friends that I have, however, that I truly experience a bond with and allow into my heart.
I expected, at some point, that we would drift apart. Common interests would change, we wouldn’t be seeing each other as often–this stuff happens.
What I didn’t expect, however, was for you to keep close attachments to our group of friends while excluding me, showing no interest in me anymore, deleting my number and, overall, making our friendship seem like it never even happened.
Because I trusted you with that piece of my heart that you had.
And when I text you about something and you ask “Who is this?” when we were nearly sisters a few months ago, I can’t begin to describe to you the stages of pain I go through.
And after grief, acceptance. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve accepted us, or what used to be us, I’ve accepted you and your choices.
Because this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. This isn’t the first time I’ve had people cut me off with no reason, this isn’t the first time I’ve been left behind for a guy, this isn’t the first time I’ve had someone I consider my best friend sleep with my ex-boyfriend. So this isn’t the first time I’ve had to remove people from my life–emotionally and socially.
But that doesn’t mean that this doesn’t hurt, because it does. It hurts tremendously. It hurts when I realize I’ve lost support, someone dear to me. It hurts when I finally come to the conclusion that I wasted my time, energy and love on someone who didn’t bother to do the same for me.
I have learned, though, not to live in regrets–what might have been, what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. I have learned to live in memories and accept the present as it is, looking forward.
That’s why I will always enjoy remembering our past, our fun times. And that is why I need you out of my life now, because I need to look ahead and not worry about what used to be ours.
Disclaimer: this post is not about anyone specific or in particular. It is instead about a collection of people whom I no longer associate with, as is their choice. This blog post was written from the heart and was not meant to offend anyone, though I refuse to apologize if it does.
Image Courtesy of: Mia Renee Cole, featuring two my closest gal pals.